Monday, January 13, 2014

Maybe Maybe

        I complain, "God, where are you? There's only so much I can do. You gotta do some too! Where are you?" etc. alot recently. I go back to verses like Matthew 5:13 "Blessed are those who are spiritually needy." I'm needy right? What about Jeremiah 29:13? "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." Am I not looking for Him with my whole heart? I do not know. I think I focus on what I can get from God too much. What am I giving to God? I play on the worship team. Is that enough? Is there ever "enough"? I feel like I guess a lot when it comes to my relationship with God. And I am getting sick of it. I am not where I was two weeks ago, that's for sure. But I am still not where I want to be. One thing I have learned though this is that I NEED my future husband to lead me spiritually. Big time. I have experience a big growth in my faith in being more conscious of God. I tend to focus on my life. But I shouldn't focus on my life, I should focus on God. What are some areas where you struggle with and how are you working on them?

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Haunted by Questions at Night

      Have you ever wondered "whats wrong with me and my relationship with God?"? I certainly have. More now than ever. That and so many questions. I manage to get no where. I think I need to stop worrying and give it to God. I have tried but I see nothing change. I want God's will. I pray for God's will. Are all my prayers really not aligned with God? I just need God to show himself. I beg. I need guidance. Why are practically no prayers of my are answered. Here comes the "God always answers your prayers. It's either, yes, no or not yet." Well when will I get a yes? Shouldn't I be grateful for what I do have? I can be very impatient. And I am working on that. haha But God is the God of the universe who controls the slightest tremor in the earth's core. I know He could it if He wanted. I guess I should ask what I should pray. Or what does He want for me. I'm dying here, God. Show yourself please. For me. Give me faith, surprise me and make me believe.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014


Share this! I would really like to hear some feed back! So MANY people ignore me in real life that claim to be Christ followers. I would like to hear from you!

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Before I loose myself even more

             Looking back, I guess I started this to document my ideas and inspirations while hopefully helping others who are new to following Christ or thinking about it; however, I realized today that if anyone needs "help", it is me. 

         I grew up in church. My parents were almost always involved. And when I got old enough, I did everything. Media, lights, music, leadership training, leadership conferences, leading a group, leading games and a student intern. It was a blast and I was on fire to serve. I saw myself serving in ministry for the rest of my life. Church was my escape from the turmoil, conflicts and the never ending hell people were putting my through else where and at home. I was young. Things began to change. I got hurt. I got burned out by people and serving. I got hurt by normal teenage things on top of things in the ministry. If I learned anything, it is that besides being careful not to get burnt out, it's that a true test to any organization is to get behind the fence. To see how things are handled when no one is looking. That is true a testament. Now, due my own struggles and those serving added with disagreements, I rarely serve at the place where I used to be five days a week called church. And to be quite honest, I am not in that great of a place. I'm not sure I ever was.

         Oh sure, I was at some point. But the dry deserts of faith are longer than the mountain tops these days. See, I put on a mask very young. And serving made me happy so that the mask I put on felt better, real and easier. The mask I put on was "everything is ok", "Im happy" and "I have a good relationship with God". Part of me felt like I should put on these because I was "Crystal". I did everything. I was always happy, cracking jokes and eager to serve. And people knew that I was way involved. I was supposed to have it together. But inside then and now, I'm broken. I don't read my Bible. And I'm just gonna say, I don't like reading my Bible. I'm a music person, so if I am going to weep before God, it is with music. Trust me, I have done it. But I know that's not good. I need to read my Bible. I pray and I pray. But I feel like I can only do so much in my relationship with God. I need God to prove that He is there. 

I need an awakening. 

I can not have one foot in the church and one out. I can NOT be a lukewarm Christian. I am dazed and confused. Being an extremely insightful person isn't going to bring me closer to God. I have to do something. Before I loose all feeling. Before it is too late. Before I loose my faith. Before I loose myself. This me, taking off my mask. I'm not sure what I will find, if anything. I think of Darth Vadar, when Luke takes off the mask that kept Darth Vadar safe. But in the he was dying anyway so it was no use anyways. So I need to restart from square one. I just cant do it anymore. I'm running out of energy to try. So from now on, I'm not writing what YOU should do, I'm writing what I should do. Maybe one can learn from my mistakes and everyday struggle. Either way, things need to change. Pray I stick with this and I wont let the enemy deter me.